You’re back! It’s my old friend, Depression

For years, I blamed my depression on teaching. I was desperately unhappy in the profession - always tired, not enough time for my kids or me, or socialisation, heavy emotional load…so many reasons - but I’m in a depressive episode now and teaching wasn’t the cause this time.

This time, it’s a lack of dopamine.

And perhaps it always was a lack of dopamine.

When I was teaching full-time, at 3pm every afternoon I would have a chocolate, not just a nibble for a taste, but a full bar. Sometimes I’d eat half a packet just to get the dopamine hit that sugar provides. Over the past month, I was sugar-free. I was down south on an artist residency and only ate chocolate sparingly in the days leading up to my bleed. I didn’t crave it. I didn’t want it. I was happy, content, bathed in sunshine and saltwater, and surrounded by trees so high they reached the heavens.

Since I’ve been home (10 days), I’ve consumed a couple of bars and three full packets of chocolate biscuits chasing the dopamine high that comes naturally with happiness. And clearly, I’m not happy, my cravings are off the charts.

So, what do I do? I can’t just go and live at the beach, can I? And even if I do, there’s no guarantee that the depression won’t return after the honeymoon period of a new move and a new adventure. That’s just running away and it never works. And for years I’ve chased new adventures and that seems to hold off the depressive episodes for two to three years. And it’s been nearly three years since I moved here and I’m going a little bit crazy, my depressive episodes are becoming more frequent.

No, I’m not willing to go on pharmaceuticals - I barely take paracetamol when I need it.

Journalling and writing always help, but in the course of writing this post I’ve consumed - without thinking or tasting - three chocolate biscuits.

I’m planning on seeing a psychologist, but how many psychologists do I need to visit before I finally kick this nightmare? I consider myself very self-aware - probably more self-aware than most, so much so, that my children sat me down and told me they thought I was AuDHD (Autistic/ADHD). That makes sense - the depression, the social isolation, the burnout, the self-deprecation, and crippling anxiety after social interactions - I have no problem with a diagnosis, I just don’t think I need it to know what I already know.

Depression and I are friends now. I know its movements, patterns, and duration. I know how to sit with it until it shows me its face (grief, it’s always grief) and I know how to move through it. Chocolate is just one of my unhealthy coping mechanisms. Others use alcohol, weed, pornography, doom scrolling, work addiction, or other drugs, but my coping mechanism is chocolate.

When I’m in an episode, it’s like I’m not connected to myself, as if my body is on autopilot and I’m going through the motions - I feel nothing. I’m aware of nothing except the gaping emptiness that comes with being disassociated. I’ve spent the bulk of the past 24 hours on the couch, unable to get motivated to do anything I know will help - exercise, nature, journalling, talking to people - but I just can’t. My body and spirit are disembodied and I just have to wait through this storm until I am back in alignment.

If you follow me on social media, you may think I’m confident and able to go after anything I want, perhaps even inspiring, and in some ways that’s true when I’m well. But when the door closes and I’m all alone in my dark and small house (physical and metaphorical) I have nothing to inspire me to live. None of the accolades or positive affirmations from others, no amount of reflection on my successes can help fill the void left by the lack of dopamine.

Researchers speculate that an underlying cause of ADHD is dysfunctional dopamine transmission. This means that the brain can’t receive dopamine correctly, leading to emotional responses that differ from those who are neurotypical. - The Relationship Between Dopamine and ADHD

And there’s the spiritual aspect - that I’m not where I need to be - that I’m out of alignment with my true self. And in moving back into alignment I will find that inner happiness that we all crave. I certainly felt alignment when I was away, but last week, I felt a sense of joy in being in a classroom for the first time in about 20 years. I’ve been trying to get away from it for decades, but perhaps my purpose in life IS to be a teacher and by trying to escape it, I’m moving out of my reason for being.

Before Christmas, I was at a gathering with my writing group, and the question was asked: What would be your role in a post-apocalyptic world? And I didn’t hesitate to say that I would look after the children and tell them stories and nurture and love them. I’ve been so busy running away from my profession that I perhaps I have lost my reason for being by searching for something else. This needs further exploration, but my somatic response to writing this was strong.

To get back into alignment I need to do all the good things that help build my dopamine so I can make grounded, not traumatised decisions. In the absence of sunshine, salt water, and towering trees, I self-medicate my dopamine with chocolate until I find that inner glow. I follow the expert guidelines that help build dopamine: exercise, journalling, community, fixing my diet to include more protein, listening to my “Make Me Happy” playlist on Spotify, singing, practicing guitar, getting enough sunshine, beach medicine, meditating, and follow the threads of curiosity that make me happy. I’ve even made cards that help me (and hopefully others) when they fall into a depressive episode. But all that doesn’t help if I don’t believe I will move out of this.

And so I hold onto a tiny thread of hope that I’ve gotten through this before and I can again. And so can you.

~ Alyssa

*Please seek professional assistance if you can’t get yourself out of the darkness on your own.