Death is not the answer
A love letter to my despairing self…four years later…
I hear you.
It would be so easy to take that path off the road, light a fire, or bring it all to an end.
But in that darkness is a gift.
And that gift is YOU.
You may not see it now.
I hear the voice telling you that nobody will miss you, but they will.
You will be missed more than you can imagine in this moment.
“I have etched a reminder into my wrists to remind myself that even in the darkest places, flowers can grow and that life is a series of twists and turns and eventually the path will reveal itself.”
I feel your deep pain, your heart’s brokenness, of a life not living up to your hopes, dreams, and aspirations.
And even though you can’t see it now, life will get better.
It will. But it will take time.
Having been to that place where I was ready to end my life, I am now on the other side and life is great. I have never been more content within myself, within my own skin.
But to get here, I needed to get to the bottom.
I needed to get into the pit of despair so I could decide to live.
No opportunities or visions will come to you if you are not here to experience them.
No memories of a life well-lived will exist if you leave now.
You have no idea about the lives that you may not touch if you make an early exit.
Death is not the answer.
Stay with the grief. Sit with it.
Sit with it.
Sit with it.
If you sit with it long enough it will show you the way out. And if you can’t sit with it alone, sit with a professional while you process it. But if you leave now, you’ll never know the possibilities for your life. You’ll never know the reason you are here.
No reason?
Of course, you do. There is a reason for everyone, even the leaders we despise. Everyone has their place. You aren’t here by accident.
Breathe. This experience is showing you something. Sit with it. Breathe.
Sit with the sadness. Hold the despair like a gift. Because it is.
My gift was learning I had created my life to please others. The gift was finding me again. And it wasn’t easy. I spent months working with a psychologist to get to the heart of why I felt this way.
It was forgiving others.
It was crying so many tears that I felt I couldn’t breathe.
It was forgiving myself.
It was picking up the pieces of who I wanted to keep and building on those things that made me happy.
It was remembering who I am. Who I wanted to be. And finding a healthy way out of the life I had created into one that pleased me.
I’m still not clear. Perhaps it will always be with me, that veil between life and death.
I still have triggers into the darkness, but I am getting better at managing them and the periods of darkness are shorter, sometimes momentary.
I have etched a reminder into my wrists to remind myself that even in the darkest places, flowers can grow and that life is a series of twists and turns and eventually the path will reveal itself.
My path is allowing my heart to lead.
I’m not sure what’s ahead, but I know that until Death greets me again, I’m going to live. I’m going to experience all of the things that I haven’t experienced yet - joy, ecstasy, abundance, community, dancing naked under the stars, belonging, success…and I won’t be able to experience any of that if I’m not here.
Death is not the answer. Living is.
I think of how many people we have lost who couldn’t find a way out of despair. And if this is you and you can’t see a way out, please call a friend or relative, a counsellor or a psychologist and get support to find your way out. The world needs you. We need you to live so you can become the very best version of yourself and that is your gift.
Stay. It’s not an easy path at first, but it will get easier.
*Please, please, please reach out to somebody and share your story and pain, eventually you’ll find the person who will hold space while you grieve and help you find the path.
Stay. We need you. The world needs sensitives like you.
