Transitioning from stress to slow living
How much stress do you carry? I had no idea how stressed my life was until I stopped working. I stopped rushing and I stopped living in a constant state of dysregulation and disassociation.
I have been a teacher in and out of education for thirty-years and while it was a profession that offered intrinsic rewards, and a good rhythm to raise a family, it had an incredible toll on my mental health and well-being. I thought for years I was depressed because I was never okay, but it wasn’t until I walked out of my last contract job 18 months ago that I realised it wasn’t me, it was the job and my physiological reaction to it. I became numb, disassociated, emotionally withdrawn from loved ones, and had no will to live.
“Until eventually, I just left. Or it would have killed me.”
Caring professions (teachers, nurses, police, counsellors) all carry the burdens of other people. We get into these professions because we care. But there’s only so much caring we can do when all around us the systems we live and work in are dysfunctional and are designed for machines, not living, breathing heart-driven people. How much can the caring professions carry before these systems break?
Stress led to my emotional dysregulation and a total withdrawal from the world. I experienced disassociation and suicidal ideation by staying in the job too long.
I stayed in the profession for 10 years too long. And it’s not from wanting to try to get out of it, I have, regularly. But when you are raising a young family alone and have zero financial support or a tribe, teaching became the easy option, until it wasn’t.
I have spent the past 18 months coming to terms with a lack of financial security (which is a different sort of stress), but also going to the bathroom when I need to and not at the allocated school ‘break’ times. I eat when I’m hungry and I am allowing the deep rest my body desperately needs. Of course, the stress that I’m talking about is not physical (I was only physically assaulted once by a student, but intimidated, manipulated, and emotionally abused many, many times) it’s emotional. And my body was telling me to stop long before I listened. My body, heart, and soul were craving for an out, but the fear of not having money stopped me time and time again.
Until eventually, I just left. Or it would have killed me.
I have zero regrets about walking away from that job and am learning now to be in a school environment and around children and young people without having a stress response as a casual. After all, I still love young people and enjoy their company, but some days, I come home and curl up into a foetal position for three hours until I can feel some sense of self again. This is not living. But it is my recovery.
I don’t know how long this recovery will take, but I do know I won’t be going back. The cost to my sense of self is too great. I am learning what it is like to listen to my biological needs in sleep, rest, nutrition, hydration, and toileting. I am learning to listen to the deep whispers of my heart and finding what life is like without the constant tension in my body, my jaw, and what it feels like to live in a relaxed physical form. To free fall into an unknown future with no financial security and know that this path, no matter how scary is better than the alternative.
This path is slower, less busy, and creates spaciousness in my heart, soul and body. It’s meaningful and purposeful and I no longer feel like a slave to social obligations. It’s both terrifying and exciting and sometimes it feels like I’ve “retired” and much of what I experience is similar to that of a retiree - grief, gratitude, relief, and fear of what’s next. But all I need to do is take one step in front of the other on my journey. I know that whatever is around the corner for me will be a slow, burning passion for life following my heart into the unknown and for someone numb for half a life, that feels extraordinary.
This post is written from my own personal experience. If you are experiencing some of the above symptoms, or this post has highlighted similar issues for you, please speak to your local medical professional. I highly recommend working with a quality psychologist or counsellor to work through our inner pain and frustrations.
