A Message for the Lonely this Christmas
I’m lonely. That gaping emptiness that comes when I realise that if I died in my sleep at home, nobody would find me for days, perhaps weeks. That empty, hollow space of an absence of belonging continues to make me feel unfulfilled. And I know that thousands, perhaps millions of others feel the same, particularly this time of year. Ironically, I am not alone in that.
And it’s not just because I live alone. I know people who feel lonely in a thriving household or seeming to have many friends. Loneliness is an inside job. My grandmother once said: “You may feel lonely, but are never alone.” But when you are faced with the depths of despair in loneliness, particularly at this time of year, those words seem trite and like it’s spiritual bypassing. It fails to acknowledge the full depth of feeling that loneliness evokes. And, significantly, it doesn’t offer any real suggestions for how to fix this feeling, if at all, including being heard, witnessed, and acknowledged.
My spiritual practice when difficult emotions come up is: to sit with it. That is, if I feel sad, I sit with it until it shows me something. If I feel frustrated, I sit with it until it shows me something. If I feel lonely, I sit with it until it shows me something. Right now, I’m sitting with it. And it’s not comfortable. In an effort for self-preservation, I’ve blocked out Christmas from my consciousness. I don’t need a reminder right now of what I don’t have that is diametrically opposite to what I feel.
“They are the only people in the world who I have let see my vulnerable heart and it is they who help fill that loneliness for me. But I shouldn’t have relied on other people to fulfil something that is lacking within me. ”
But Christmas is just a trigger, it’s not the root, which is, the lack of belonging I feel to something greater than me: family, community, spirituality, myself. Of course, I belong to a family, I have friends and a community that I’m starting to feel I can be myself in, but ultimately, this is about me not feeling a belonging to myself. Or that I belong here, on Earth, at this time.
Of course, I hear how ridiculous that sounds, but for this moment, that is my truth. I’ve heard people say they feel lonely in a crowded room, and perhaps more of us are lonely than we let on, but some people are better at masking it than others. Some people are better at feigning friendships than having genuine connections.
And I think that’s where I am—there are only four people I have let into my inner recesses; my children and a partner. They are the only people in the world who I have let see my vulnerable heart and it is they who help fill that loneliness for me. But I shouldn’t rely on other people to fulfil something that is lacking within me.
And this is the dilemma. If I want deep and meaningful connections, but don’t want to be crushed or hurt again, I choose loneliness over the risk of being hurt.
Which brings me back to the problem. Loneliness is a fear of being open and vulnerable, at the risk of being emotionally hurt, the fear of rejection, and ultimately a lack of trust in people.** So, what are the solutions?
Firstly, courage. The courage to open into more deeply intimate spaces with people. I’m not just talking sexual intimacy, but emotional intimacy. Letting people know you, the good and the bad. Not just the glossy social media bits and pieces.
Secondly, in my case, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND MEET PEOPLE! What’s the worst that can happen? They’ll break your heart, betray you, talk behind your back, cheat on you? Guess what, you’ve survived all of that before, you will again, you’re stronger now.
And finally, trust. This has three layers: trusting self, other people, and a greater force/being/divinity. Honestly, trusting myself is the hardest of these three. I can talk myself into the other things. But I’m still hiding like the shy child and teenager I once was. How can I possibly trust myself if I don’t know myself and love EVERYTHING about who I am?
This, is where the deep work begins. For underneath every feeling is another layer. Another feeling. Another story we keep telling ourselves. And at the end of this story I find myself back at the beginning, where I’ve always known I would have to face, and that is to love Alyssa. To love everything I am and not give a flying f*k about what others may think or say. To walk tall in my body and shoes and back my projects and ideas with the conviction of a friend who believes in me. For, if I don’t believe in me, nobody else will. And in that state of mind, loneliness won’t be even a thought, because I will be my own best friend.
*This is a letter to myself. I hope you get something from it.
**Of course, I write this from my perspective, you may find something else when you sit with it!
~ Alyssa
***If you need professional help, go and see someone, call someone. Make the good choice to live with the support you need.
